Recently a new patient asked me if I had children. “I do”. I said. She asked me if I could imagine what it felt like to have a pregnancy loss. “I can remember “ I said.

It’s not as raw now, but I still don’t really like going back there. I’m going to though, because I know as a woman who has lost pregnancies, it is important to know you’re not defective, not crazy and certainly not alone. Here’s my story.

Some Context

My body was NOT a temple. I spent my late teens and early 20’s partying and eating lots of toast. In my early 20’s, I moved from Dunedin, to Melbourne. I fell in love, I met fun, successful and driven people, stumbled into long distance triathlon, began studying a Bachelor of Health Science.

A watershed moment

Training for my 3rd Ironman triathlon my body called it. I was burning the candle at both ends while holding it over a bonfire, and my digestion gave up. My appetite was zero and I couldn’t keep food down. No food – no energy and I simply had to change my lifestyle. In hindsight, it was a huge and wonderfully life-changing moment. I actually applied everything I had learned in two health-oriented degrees - practitioner heal thyself. And surprise, after 6 months of my recovery plan, I felt myself thrive again.

Healthy body = healthy reproductive system

Looking after my health, I was inadvertently looking after my reproductive health, and having recently turned 30 decided it was time to have a baby. I was working with women trying to conceive at this time and figured it would take 6 months or so. My son Felix was born 40 weeks after our decision to start trying. Yip, I was THAT person. Don’t worry. Here’s where it gets relatable.

When the sh*t hits the fan

Fast forward 10 months. I was dealing with a level of stress that was brand new to me. I wasn’t sleeping or eating. Stress was making me a hot mess. The minute the issue was resolved, I made the very well-considered decision (did you catch that sarcasm?) to get pregnant again asap. I know. WHAT. I know. My husband and I eloped and success, I was pregnant that week. We were so fucking smug. He had superswimmers! I was a fertile meadow! We were a baby making SUPERTEAM.

Until.

We weren’t.

The heartbeat that wasn’t

We figured there’s not much to see at an 8-week scan, so Andrew would save his time off work until some scans later down the track (so smug). I suspect the sonographer was there on work experience, at best it had to be her first week. She jabbed that wand around (you know that wand) and examined the baby. “That’s the kidney! Oooooh the spine!”. Then she went quiet and told me she had to get her supervisor. I literally felt a wave of coldness wash over me and I still feel it as I write this. She stood up - and left me in fear, naked from the waist down, aaaaaaand she left the wand in. (LEFT.THE.WAND.IN.) She left. I cried.

She came back after 5 minutes and told me her supervisor would be with me in 5 minutes. In the meantime, she’d have another look. “ooooh, theres the spine… there’s the kidney”. I cried a bit more.

Her supervisor confirmed there was no heartbeat. I felt my own heartbeat racing. You don’t know until you know.

Handy [man] distraction

We needed to wait seven days to make sure we didn’t just have the dates wrong. I knew we didn’t. My Dad was visiting from NZ, and when I walked inside after my scan I cried, so my Dad took me to Bunnings to distract me so I would stop crying. Did you get that? He took me to BUNNINGS. While I now appreciate the gesture, I can’t say I really appreciated traipsing through isles of hammers and hoses while my mind was trying to process a new person I loved who would never be. I probably cried at Bunnings, but I actually laugh as I type this at the absurdity. Bunnings.

Women talking to women

My husband did lots of google searches. He was super INCREDIBLY positive about the situation. And it just made me kind of super pissed at him. I phoned my best friend in NZ. She had 2 miscarriages before falling pregnant with her daughter. She got it. I cried. I called her every day that week and she never told me she was too busy or that I needed to cheer up. I apologised for not being a better friend when she had her miscarriages. She forgave me.

Wake me up when it’s all over

After 10 days we knew I needed a D + C. Andrew dropped me at the hospital and went to work.

I cried when they woke me after the procedure. The nurse was incredibly comforting, and I felt guilty because I was actually crying because I’d been having the best anaesthetic induced sleep..

One of my best girlfriends picked me up. Jess was pregnant with her first son, conceived via IVF, her own rollercoaster experience. She walked into the clinic and she cried, I cried and we cuddled. I apologised for not being a better friend when she was going through IVF. She forgave me. She took me home and made me tea and let me be quiet. I felt less than whole. Empty.

Setting up for miscarriage #2

After a month of hiding from the world my cycle kicked into gear and I was determined to heal my heart by getting pregnant immediately. And I did. Just like that. BUT. I hadn’t recovered at all from miscarriage #1, or the external stressors that had pushed my body into fight or flight for so long. So, sure, fertile meadow and all that, but my gut knew it wasn’t right. As I walked home from the Dr’s appointment confirming the pregnancy, I stopped at a petrol station toilet. I was bleeding.

I actually, strangely felt relief that I was getting a do-over.

Men went to Jupiter and came back stupider

That week, Andrew and I went to see some friends, who had a son the same age as Felix. I didn’t really want to go, but I let Andrew convince me. In the car on the way, he told “by the way” the friends we were going to see were having their second baby. She was in the second trimester of pregnancy. I am ashamed to admit that I literally pulled the handbrake on while he was driving. I cried, and Andrew looked surprised and slightly frightened of me. I wanted out, I caused a fuss but ultimately I felt guilty and mean and pathetic so I rolled with it, slapped a smile on my face and congratulated her on her accidental pregnancy

I shared this little story because it is SUCH a common thing for women who are having fertility challenges to need to avoid pregnant joy for a bit. It’s probably not forever. If you’re pregnant, be happy! Congratulations! But also, be gentle on your friends. And if you’re in the deep dark depths of your fertility work and want to not look at bumps or talk about morning sickness, you’re not alone. You’re also not an arsehole. You’re not selfish. It won’t last forever. You are HUMAN, and I get it. Protecting yourself is 100% OK, and recommended. And if you’re a husband or partner, OMG, give your bleeding wife a heads up.

Making a plan and setting goals

So this time. This time I stopped. Took a breather and being a woman who likes a goal, I applied everything I knew to create a personalised, rather goal orientated preconception plan for myself, and a personalised plan for Andrew. Bless, he quit everything I told him to, took up the new habits I laid out for him and consumed each and every powder and pill I put in front of him. It not only made me realise not only how ready he was and how supportive he was trying to be, but also how easy it would be to poison him should ever I need.

After 3 months we agreed to start trying again. I am fortunate to say, I fell pregnant with Rosie the month after and never took this pregnancy for granted.

Find the right support crew!

Miscarriage isn’t something you can hypothetically put yourself into. I believe its a loss that as a woman carrying a pregnancy, only you can fully experience. Similarly, I believe the feelings of reoccurring BFN’s are something that only the woman peeing on the stick can fully experience. Here’s what I say to all the women I see who have gone through or are experiencing challenges – reach out to someone who has also been there. In my experience, women who have been there actually want to help someone else through it. Whisper “miscarriage” and 3 women will jump out of a bush to cuddle you and relate to your experience. Look after yourself and avoid the baby showers while you need to.

The Fertility Suite

I work with women and men every day who are trying to conceive. While there are no guarantees, research shows that we can take steps to increase chances of success. Sessions at The Fertility Suite are also unique in that you can lay it all out, it’s a safe space to say and experience what you need to.

I want to wish you all the best on your own fertility journey. And if you’ve made it this far through this story, I’m humbled that you have shared mine.

Jenna xx

Jenna's Fertility Story

Ready to talk to us?